So you are in it, a relationship. You aren’t sure if this is it, or if it will end in pain or loss. Everything feels right, the emotions are all encompassing, you can’t stay away from each other, it’s the most romantic thing ever!
The intensity has gone on for some months and you are sure… until you aren’t. Now you find yourself plucking flower petals and saying, “He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not,” over and over again until it’s driving even the air around you crazy.
He loves me because the moments are so heavenly. Your heart flutters at the sound of his name, his smell, his smile.
He loves me not because I can’t help remembering those times I needed to share something important with him and somehow it ended up being about him…again.
He loves me not because he didn’t understand that I needed his shoulder to cry on and a listening ear when I dared to interrupt his time with friends.
He loves me not because its sex, sex, sex, like rabbits…but do we really talk?
He loves me because he’s such a charming guy. Everyone loves him! And he’ so ambitious!
What is lust?
I asked this question on my facebook page because it can be really hard to differentiate love from lust when you are in the heat of things. And many women are walking around with hurt emotions and distrust because they met and interacted with a man they believed loved them, but didn’t.
I got various answers:
“Lust is a temptation and an evil that overcomes a lot of us. Oftentimes we lose control of ourselves through lust and make terrible decisions.”
“…short term when the thrills wear out!”
“Lust can be overpowering and overwhelming until you satisfy that urge …”
“Lust is sinful, love is pure.”
“…the focus being on the five senses.”
“Lust seeks to please itself whereas love seeks to please the beloved.”
“In lust you wanna be with the person because of the physical appearances…all you imagine when thinking about the person is sex.”
“Lust is a selfish action…”
So there seems to be a common thread running through everything, isn’t there?
Lust is self centered. Granted everyone is self centered at some time or another but a pattern is a good indictor of character. Character is also something that will show itself if you give it time. So let’s discuss certain markers we can use to help us sift through the “love me, love me not” torture.
Before the relationship starts:
- Develop enough value in yourself so you know what love is and what it feels like. You should know the emotions you feel when you are kind to yourself and that will be your standard.
- Know the kind of man you deserve. This knowledge will save you from narcissistic men and kill any excuses your heart will dredge up to justify a continuous walk towards an unhealthy relationship.
- Heal yourself. This is the inner work you must do to make sure you are strong emotionally and mentally, not just for a man, but for life. This might involve allowing time to heal from past traumas, and healing scars from past disappointments.
When in the relationship:
Discerning if you are in a lustful relationship will require honest answers to the following.
- How many times do you feel your needs are foremost?
- How much are you giving up to make him happy?
- Is a loss of self a factor in keeping him?
- Do you feel YOU are seen and heard?
- Is sex the preoccupation in this?
- Are you part of his inner circle. This includes friends and family he cares about?
- Does he want to be part of your inner circle?
- Has his ACTIONS not words demonstrated his commitment to you, and any sacrifice towards you?
What is love?
It’s been said that to know the counterfeit you have to study the original. So to know what lust is, you have to know what love is, if that’s what you are really looking for. So what is love?
Again responses from my page:
“Love is a feeling/emotion that God places on the inside of us. Love is patient and kind and does no dishonesty.”
“…love is progressive and long lasting.”
“…when the mind begins to invest more in the partner….encouragement, respect, seeing future dreams and aspirations with this partner.”
“…love seeks to please the beloved…is subject focused.”
“…you love the person without any reason, you want to know more about him or her, and you will be more open and sincere with the person..”
“love is the unselfish choice to care about/for and have compassion towards another.”
True love will nourish you, will build you, will give you permission to be yourself. Love will not primarily objectify you. And many times love will make you ask yourself, “Why me?” because it will be so amazingly unearned.
So we conclude. Love or lust?
“He loves me, he loves me not” Take some alone time and judge the relationship with the above. Please don’t lie to yourself. Maybe a trusted friend can help you see what you don’t want to see, or can’t see through emotions.
If you are looking for love but spending your time with lust, pain is the return.
If you are looking for lust, but found love, then either let the one loving you go to someone who wants it, or let love change you to believe you deserve it.