We all have experienced it, or are going to experience it, as have millions of others. Welcome to the club of Unrequited Love. For some this phrase will bring back memories, some painful, or amusing, or cringe-worthy, depending on the time and context of the event.
No matter where you are on the journey through unrequited love, ALVN is here to help you navigate the experience well. No need to emerge bitter, unhealthily guarded, or steeped in self blame. It’s all about perspective.
First, let ‘s acknowledge how it makes you feel.
- Rejected: there’s just no way around it. If someone you love can’t love you back you will feel rejection. Questions like “what’s wrong with me?” ” Am I not pretty enough?” “Am I not smart enough?” will run through your mind.
- Used: this one is a strange thought but yes it plays in the myriad of emotions. The magnitude of this emotion depends on how long you stayed in the relationship, how much you put into it, and if the other person gave you hope in some way (this hope might be them spending time with you when they should have withdrawn earlier, giving you gifts to reciprocate your gifts, and using words like “maybe,” or “I’m not sure,” that string you along ad infinitum).
- Heartache: this is simply raw pain in the heart. There is a scripture that reads, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and in this context the absence of hope you feel after you have finally accepted what will never be will leave your heart painfully sick. This is a normal process in walking through unrequited love.
- Stupid: you feel stupid because you realize you chose to ignore the warning signs or the hints that person showed you, and because you let your emotions override reason.
- Like your life is ending: Eh…no it’s not. No. It. Is. Not.
What to do?
First, time is spent on a girlfriend’s shoulder or on her couch bemoaning the loss of your love and like a good friend she will offer words of solace and reason. Today ALVN is that friend on the couch offering a freeing perspective and a strong shoulder.
...That unrequited love was the best thing to happen to you.
Ouch! But it’s true because now you will finally be able to see the person that was meant to be for you. When you find that person an amazing truth will hit you over the head: real love that is meant for you just comes with ease. The ease with which this person responds to your attention and affection will even cause you to doubt its validity, but it’s true. To put it simply, all the important things will align.
For the person wanting more, unrequited love is a constant tug of war. Emotions vary from the belief love is being reciprocated to doubts, and back to belief again. This can go on for years because of false hope held on to for too long. It’s time wasting and blinding to something or someone else designed for you. Your emotions of love might reject what ALVN has just said but ask anyone who has found true and healthy love. It feels so undeserved.
It is unrealistic to tell you not to feel pain, or rejection, or heartache, or even used. Go ahead and lick your wounds but remember a few things with the truth above.
- It wasn’t your or his fault. The one that rejects you might be feeling pain too if they truly cared for you. They just couldn’t love you. You are pretty enough, or smart enough, or right. It’s for someone else.
- If you gave a lot into it, it has taught you your capacity to love and how to protect your heart. When you meet the right person you will be better and stronger.
- Heartache will fade. Do not do anything destructive like jumping quickly into another relationship. Let time do its thing.
- You weren’t stupid. You ignored the signs because you are resilient and assertive. Now channel that towards more productive ventures. Okay, maybe you ignored it because you felt no one else could love you but now you have the opportunity to develop self love and to grow.
- You will smile again.